I've been reading through old blogs on myspace and I was surprised of the things I found. Here is a sample:
It is one of my psychotherapy training weekends again. This weekend is couple therapy. It was interesting as today we did exercises and got lots of insights and it is always nice to hear that you are not the only loony in this loony world and that having problems comes with the territory of being human.
Today we did an exercise which took about 4 hours, well, no exactly the exercise, but the feedbacks and the discussions.
It was about transference.
We were supposed to stand up, look around the room at each other ( and it was a large group of about 50 people) and after a while to go to one person we found in some way attractive- not especially in a physical way, but in a way that 'told' us something. And we were supposed to work with that person for the whole day IF that person chose us as well. So no talking, no negociating, just instinctive choosing. Of course, by doing so, we found ourselves in strange situations that the person we chose was choosing someone else. We had to concentrate on our feeling… The ones who mutually chose each other were supposed to get to another corner of the room and the others were repeating the process with the remaining ones. Then the couples that were formed were supposed that, the same way, they chose another couple. We had to work in groups of 4 and share how we felt about not being chosen by the one we chose, how we felt when we were rejected, how we did the second pick. And we were also supposed to ask ourselves why did we pick the 1st person in the first place, who they reminded us of and what familiar (like from the past- childhood)feeling we had about the person or the situation.
The exercise was supposed to show us how we choose our partners at some unconscious level, how we normally choose our partners resembling the parental images from our childhood, especially those who failed in meeting our needs.
There were people who were going on 'impossible missions' of choosing people who were not available.
People who let themselves be chosen without moving a finger because they feared rejection.
Some people just said yes to whomever chose them because they felt good about being desired. But such a relationship won't last long because it is so artificial and egoistic.
There was one case when a girl said she looked around and made 3 choices but did not dare to go for the first choice so she went for the second one. The problem is when the second choice finds about being 2nd choice and gets pissed off- so they get all pissed off and leave. Looks like that kind of person is repeatedly sabotaging herself from being happy.
Other person was choosing only the distant looking ones so he can feel frustrated over and over again like he was in childhood when he did not have the full attention of his parents.
I had done the exercise before but with different results. At that point I was choosing the person based only on instincts- and that was a year ago- but now I was a bit confused because I seemed to choose them using other criteria. Now I seem to look around and choose the ones who seem more valuable, more interesting and certainly more generous ( speaking about spiritual generosity, of course). I was so happy to notice that. Because from last year and today I feel like I made a huge step. Not only that I am more aware of what other people mean and feel, but I am also more aware of what I need and look for that.
Years ago I was letting myself to be passively chosen. I seem to have broken that pattern somehow. I choose now and I only choose the ones whom I deeply appreciate.
This does not apply only to romantic partners but to the choosing of friends as well.
I found some real-life new friends too at this workshop- some who did not dare say they liked me before. And I was happy about that.
The conclusion is that if you really like someone don't wait to be chosen, because you might never be! Or there might be one who goes there first and gets the cookie you were craving for! Don't be afraid to be rejected, because it is the only way you can move on and evolve! And go for people who accept you and love you for what you are and whom you can accept the way they are without any of you trying to 'change' the other. 'Cause if a relationship needs too much 'working on' it is not worth it. Dare to say what you need and what you want and dare to go for it. A 'no' won't kill anyone but make that person better ( "stronger" is not an option as it means getting more distant and afraid!
Good luck! And don't be afraid to be yourselves and ASK for what you need! And also be aware of the message you send to the world!
PS-And smile, dammit! The fairy dust is upon ya!
Diana
and part 2 of that:
needs
Day 2 in my TA workshop. We did another interesting exercise- well, we did more but I cannot describe all here.
We had to go in groups of 4 consisiting of 2 couples. And while one group was working the other was observing them and offering feedback afterwards.
The task was simple: one of the partners was supposed to ask the other: "What can I do for you next week so you can feel more loved and more supported?" And the one who was asked that question was supposed to answer it. Then they switched turns.
The idea was to see how people really express their needs, do they do it in a vague way or in a specific one? Are they in touch with their needs?
The interesting part was that some people could not even expresse their need: "It's useless to tell you what I want because you will not listen"or.."won't care". Others started with accusations and totally inflamed the realationship. Others had so many needs- made lists!- that they did not give a chance to their partners to express themselves. Other people were so vague in their requests and expected the partner to guess their thoughts, which of course, did not happen and that left them totally frustrated.
So if you ant to be heard just ask for what you need from the other one. Don't expect them to guess no matter how big the love between you two is. And in asking be very specific, set limits of time and space. Like: "I'd like you to watch the kids for an hour every evening so I can study for my exam".
